Valor Is A Miserable Nightmare.

Valor - Logo

HELP!

The CW could be described as a network with a fairly lousy standard of quality that still managed to summon an army of teenage girls… for some reason. Naturally, I was a little bit nervous about the premiere of Valor. While I was aware of its development, I managed to go into the first two episodes completely blind.

And oh boy, I shouldn’t have done that.

Valor is the stupidest new show of the year.

Who? What? Huh?

Valor - Medal

Wanna make out later?

To put it simply, the performances in Valor were so phoned in that they accrued international roaming charges.

I really don’t know how else to describe it. Every single one of these characters are cardboard cutouts to the nth degree. There seems to be no discernible effort on the part of the cast to raise the horrifically written material in a meaningful way. To make matters worse, they have to continually remind us of what every little situation means for the overall story, which is nothing more than a distraction.

Although to be fair, why should they try? This show doesn’t have the family vibe of The Brave or the professional aspects of SEAL Team. It is better to cash a check and go home!

The Writing Is An Abomination.

Valor - Briefing

Seriously, why is she even here?

Unlike SEAL Team and The BraveValor is a heavily serialized story that centers around helicopter pilots in the U.S. Army. Unfortunately, the writing has no redeeming qualities whatsoever, mainly because it’s a mishmash of a standard “rescue the POWs” plot, a supposed conspiracy involving the CIA, and a whole bunch of soap opera drama that makes Arrow look like a picnic to sit through.

To show you the full magnitude of what I mean, let’s go through the questions that I have in my notes:

  • Why are two main characters fraternizing with one another?
  • Why do they have the time to conduct an investigation outside of their activities as pilots?
  • Why is the CIA in charge of a U.S. Army operation? Isn’t that supposed to be USASOC’s job?
  • Why is Delta Force involved when the CIA has their own Special Operations Group?
  • Why would the House Intelligence Committee want to take part in a military drill?
  • Even if we accept the stupid organization, why would a spy oversight committee have any influence over who goes on a rescue mission? Isn’t that up to the President, the Secretary of Defense, the Director of the CIA, and the generals?
  • Why would a special operations force wear maroon berets?
  • Why would a Delta Force operator fire at barrels on full auto?
  • Why would the U.S. Army allow a pilot to remain on the job when she’s on pain medication?
  • Why would anyone try to apply a tourniquet to a bullet wound?

It’s almost as if the writers didn’t even try to google the answers to these questions.

The Dialogue Is Unbearable.

Valor - Ball

Why should anyone care?

The speech in this show deserves its own section because it is a chore to listen to. On top of the distractions in the plot, viewers have to deal with the most Michael Bay-ish dialogue on network television. Every other line of dialogue paints these characters as the most hooah Army people to have ever hooahed, but normal people don’t talk like any of these robots.

Okay, thirteen year old girls that like to play army might talk like that, but we’re supposed to be viewing the exploits of actual soldiers.

On a funny note, there are a number of silly distractions when the characters attempt to swear, but can’t because they are on network television. If any writers find themselves in a pickle like this, do yourself a favor and find a way to write around it. It’s embarrassing.

Conclusion.

Valor - CIA Officer

Why is she even here?

Make no bones about it. Valor is an embarrassment to The CW and to the medium of television. Its cast doesn’t make an impression, the story is awful, and the writing is riddled with holes so large that one could drive a tank through them. You should not watch it, binge it, or even lift a finger in its general direction. Your time is too precious to waste on such pig slop.

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